It’s a 20 min presentation, and you won’t need to watch it to enjoy the blog below, but if you have a musician or artist in your life, they might want to watch it. Her message is a powerful one of finding yourself beyond your talent’s accomplishments.
Hey Gang,
We’ve all been there. Our kid or spouse or parent or friend has had a major disappointment. They flunked a test, didn’t make the team, broke up with ‘The One,” bungled the interview, on and on with life’s dissappointments.
We all know the feeling because of our failures and disappointments, at least if you are out there working hard at living life, pile up quickly, don’t they?
What’s your immediate reaction if you’re someone like me? Fix it.
Have you ever reacted with a line similar to this?
- That coach doesn’t see your potential.
- That test was rigged.
- That teacher is incompetent.
- She was a loser anyway.
- Only private school kids get into that college.
We jump in immediately in a desperate effort to instantly remove the pain, the sadness, and the hurt, but it might be time to stop trying to stop the feelings.
Have you ever been at a funeral and heard, “Well, it was God’s will that [insert your loved one’s name] died?”
People scrambling to alleviate their own pain and unwilling to be with you in yours trot out lines like this and those in the list above, but it never alleviates anything.
or
Have you ever been at someone’s pinnacle achievement, incredible performance, or big game victory and heard someone say, “Well, don’t get full of yourself; tomorrow’s another day.” or “Great job hitting your goal, but couldn’t you have aimed a bit higher?”
That’s people being negative, unwilling to allow a great achievement to be enjoyed by the victor because they feel bad about themselves or are jealous. Often, they hide behind “just being realistic” or “Don’t want you to crash from being too excited,” but, really, they are just pessimistic, negative, or worse.
These actions try to stop or modulate emotions the person is legitimately feeling. Any attempt at controlling other’s emotions will fail. I mean, it doesn’t work when people try it on you, right?
So what are we supposed to do instead?
Step 1. You are only in charge of your own emotions. Feeling your feelings is true self-discovery. If you find yourself working to change someone else’s emotional state, pause to examine which of your own feelings you are trying to soothe with your statements.
Here’s an example: If you have a kid break up with your kid and they are utterly devastated, you might feel a few of these emotions.
- Anger: How dare that loser break up with your kid! They better not come around here or I’ll lose it and destroy that kid’s self-esteem with my sharp words and biting commentary.
- Sadness: I failed to protect my kid from this heartbreak and I need to make their heartbreak go away so I don’t feel so bad.
- Relief: Thank heavens they’re gone! I always disliked them. #Winning!
- Grief: That was the best person for my kid. How could they be so stupid to let them get away!
Now think about all the things you might say to your kid after a tragic (in someone’s eyes) breakup, while being aware of your emotions fueling whatever you say.
Step 2. Listen, ask, learn. Often in a pivotal moment, joyous or tragic, people want someone to listen to them. The more severe the moment, the greater our need to be understood, heard, and connected. When it’s too much to bear alone, we yearn to bear it with someone.
My wife and I have a thing we do when the other comes home from a frustrating day, the listener will ask, “Do you want me to problem solve or do you just need me to listen?”
Often, the answer is just to listen.
Step 3. Beside. In parenting, coaching, tragedy, and leadership, “beside” is the critical location. When you win the game, and I’m your parent, I can’t really lead you. When you are hurting at the loss of a loved one, you don’t need someone to instruct you. When you have made some bad choices and are reaping the consequences, you don’t need oversight; you need someone beside you.
One of the most comforting phrases is “I’m here with you.”
Think about it, you can’t lead or convince me out of my grief, but you can be with me. You can’t undo my blown audition, but you can be with me while I figure out what to do next. You can’t complete my homework assignment but can work through it with me.
We want people beside us. If the moment is joyous, celebrate. If the moment is sad, be sad, sit with the sadness, cry until it’s all out. If the moment is frustrating, be frustrated, listen to the frustrations, ask more about the frustrations, feel it with them.
You are only in charge of your emotions. Stop kidding yourself, thinking that you can modulate someone’s feelings for them.
And when it really matters, move beside them; move beside your mother, sister, friend, child, grandpa, and be in their emotional space together. The harder each of us works to regulate and understand our emotional states, the better the world gets at living together.
You can’t stop the feelings, so don’t try to stop the feelings.
Your family, your staff, and your friends are watching how you and I regulate ourselves and, more importantly, how we reach out to understand those around us.
It’s worth the energy to get better at self-regulation.
You might still say some dumb, self-serving, self-soothing things to your kids in an effort to manipulate their emotional state and make yourself feel better (I know I do!) but at least you’ll realize you’re doing it.
The better plan is to simply move beside them.
Have a great week,
Hugh
